August 28th
Dear Diary
Bloody hell that sounds so lame! Dear diary? Reader? Why is starting something so hard? I don’t like dear diary but for now it’ll do. Its weird now there’s some words on the page it isn’t quite so scary! I’m such a fucking idiot. Idiot. I’m sorry (mystery reader?) this is the first time I’ve ever had a diary. Weird, huh? It was my birthday the other day and my boyfriend brought it me. I’m now 21, a proper adult! That was one fucking mental weekend, my come downs only just got manageable, you know what I mean? But I doubt you do, oh so normal reader. Because there’s something you don’t know about me, about my life, about the whole goddamned world.
It’s full of monsters.
September 2nd
Mystery Reader
I suppose I should explain some more, introduce to the family as it were. : )
Well we live in the city, moved up about a year a go, after I met the love of my life. My stuck up parents hated us, so we cut that shit off pretty fast, but that’s the boring bit. He’s amazing. A-fucking-mazing. I always knew I was different to everyone else, id watch them walking around, eating their food, going to work, paying their bills. Normal, like nothing was wrong. No one could see what I saw, feel what I felt. The world is dull, grey and misty, them like ghosts walking through it, unseeing, beneath their feet...a great swirling vortex of black. BLACK. Sometimes little bits, tendril like, slipped up into the grey, into a ghost person. And they didn’t even notice, oblivious to that dark infection suffocating their inner fire.
And most terrible of all, I knew I was infected too.
Then I met him, he blazed in the grey. He saw it too, he felt it. I knew straight away that he was my soul mate, and he promised to not let the darkness swallow me. I owe him my life. He is beautiful.
I could write about him forever! But I guess other than the love you should know something else. He’s a werewolf. Things get a bit hairy sometimes (ha) specially at the full moon, when its harder to control, but it saves him from being infected, he wasn’t sure until I told him, he cant see the way I do, none of them can. I don’t really have any special powers, except for that, and feeling so intensely.
The house we live in is a shared house, a safe house for supernaturals. It’s owned by a master vampire, tall black man who knows how to pull a serious aura. I know I probably shouldn’t say it, but it took me ages to get used to him, when I first met him I couldn’t stop staring at his hair. Id never seen afro hair before (he keeps his short to match the suit) just weren’t that many black guys in my town. His natural glamour kept making me want to touch it, but my bf knew to touch me, he wasn’t being possessive or anything, it just helps my defences. We don’t see him that much, I don’t think he likes the others ands happy as long as he gets his rent.
The others are preeeeety dodgy, leme tell you. There’s 5 rooms, we’ve got one upstairs. Downstairs what used to be a living room and dining room are now bedrooms. In the old living room, Room 1, is Tank. He’s a demon. I’m scared shitless of him. He’s fucking massive, proper ripped, skinhead always in a leather jacket. You know the white supremacist type. Got loads of tats with arcane meanings. He’s also a drug dealer. A drug dealer demon is NOT someone you wana fuck with, I always smile when I see him but really don’t like chatting. He’s friends with my bf tho.
In Room number 2 (old dining room) is Kesh. He’s young too, like me. A looker, if you like the skinny types, long dark hair and pale skin. He can’t really help that though, it’s like a side affect. He’s a vampire. He’s covered his walls in posters of metal bands and got these supa thick curtains, stays there all day. At night he deals for Tank, not really sure what. Powdered somethings. Always bringing his victims back here, pretty grimy girls from the clubs mostly. I see them leave sometimes, a little blood splattered. See Kesh is pretty much a good guy, but he’s gotta eat. And he’s hardcore.
Upstairs with us, oh we’re room 3! In Room 4 dwells Barry the Cult Goon. A big fat dumb not-so-sexy beast. He’s like middle aged, going a bit bald, beer gut. His cult is really secretive, but he’s always got other guys coming over. They watch porn, seriously! We share a wall and we can always hear him jerking off. Squelch, squelch ahhh ‘Pass me a tissue’!! Lmfao They collect sexual energy and use it for...well I don’t know, bad stuff. We hear them talking about their sex rites too sometimes.
On the other side of the bathroom, is room 5. Clarissa’s room. Now that is one posh bitch, wrangled the quietest room of the house coz she works a 9-5. In real estate. Haven’t got the friggin’ foggiest what she is, but it must be scary, coz all the others leave her alone. Even Tank. She made him do his washing up once. She’s got balls, I’ll give her that, even if she’s always giving me dirty looks. Whatever, your nose is crooked, jealous much?
So that’s us! Like the Adams family gone wrong.
September 6th
I am in such a bad FUCKING mood. He is such a prick, a goddamned idiot dickhead. We’ve just had a massive argument, I can’t believe it. I’ve been working a shitty shift in the cafe all day having norms demand and moan at me, getting grease worked into my pissing BONES so we’ve got a bit of cash to go out with tonight, we were supposed to have a good night out, get dressed up, get wankered and have a laugh, Kesh was coming out too. But noooooo, can’t do that can we? What I do isn’t good enough is it! For fucks sake! He knows I’m scared of him, I told him it’s going to go bad, once we’re in there’s no going back.
And before you think I’m some naive twit, I’m not! I know that we can’t live in normal society, I agree with Tank that they’re sheep. They can’t understand us, can’t accept us, so we hide in the margins, right? But we’ve gotta live to, still got bills to pay. Crap jobs are crap jobs, but it’ll do. But now he thinks Tank’s way is better. Dealing. Most supernaturals end up doing something like that, live in the underworld. The Greeks got that right. Where else are they gonna go? If some junky sees something they shouldn’t, who would believe them? If they dared even tell? Everyone’s scared. And now he’s gonna be doing it too.
LATER
I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I lost my temper like that. Baby I’m so sorry, I love you, I know I’m a bitch.
He’s explained it too me. Since he got sacked from the factory (it was moontime and he lost control, just a little bit, and hurt someone) we can’t afford rent. And it’s due soon. Tank knew this, he knows everything and offered to help out. He’s not going to do anything serious, just some sell some pills in the club. I mean we were going to be there anyway, and with Kesh we’d probably take a pill ourselves. He knows how they make me feel, we won’t be hurting anyone, just helping them fight the infection. See when you take them it makes your inner fire flare, you burn bright, so fucking bright. It’s beautiful.
We won’t be hurting anyone. Just making some money doing what we would have been doing anyway.
September 8th
Mysterious Reader
A little entry. : ) Alls well, peaceful. Shiverings stopped so we’re just chilling out, he’s downstairs making dinner for us. Such a sweetie. Had a fantabulous time out, it was a d’n’b night. We sold outa pills long before people stopped asking for them. Made rent and if we do it again next week we’ll have enough to get proper food shopping in! They were some good pills, came up in a proper rush, so much fire inside me I could feel it on the inside of my skin seeping out, I must of been shining, on the dance floor the whole club dancing, the bass thrumming inside us, its like we were all connected, one great big sweaty beast riding the drums outa the dark. He was right.
September 15th
I love him, but I hate this. Why does it have to hurt so much? I just wh
Sorry I had to. It’s nearing dawn, I’m so fucking cold and I don’t have a clue where he is. I don’t think I can cry anymore, my eyes hurt. Everywhere hurts. He hurt me, lost his control. Grabbed me, slammed me into a wall. Hit me, again and again, and again, then he...stopped. I can’t believe it. It was a full moon, yet he managed to stop, to leave and find somewhere safe to change. I know he can’t control the rage now, that it controls him, and he must love me to be able to stop. I just wish, I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.
I won’t be able to go to work in the morning, I’m covered in bruises, even on my face. And the cuts on my arms are still bleeding. I hope they don’t scar. Just what I need, more scars.
September 16th
He’s still gone, mysterious. And now the darkness is back, the infection stronger than ever, I can feel it crawling round inside of me, polluting me. It wants to pull me down, swallow me whole. There’s no light anymore, no hope.
September 18th
I haven’t been to work. How could I? They’re all infected. I can see it inside them and they’re oblivious sheep. I lost my job. It’s thicker inside me now. I started my period and now my belly’s cramping, yet more pain.
September 22nd
Lovely Reader
He’s back again! I could dance, sing, scream I’m so fucking happy! I thought I’d lost him, but he came back to me, he told me he loves me, that he would never leave me to the dark. How could I have ever doubted him? He held me, and stroked my hair and kissed my bruises.
We talked about it, like proper couples should. He reminded me that I shouldn’t provoke him when he’s like that. Mmm? Provoke a werewolf during the moon madness? I don’t know what I was thinking, or rather not. No wonder I did rubbish in my GCSE’s. Then again that’s not exactly something on the curriculum. Something for the Coalition of Big Nosed Toffs to work on. Maybe we should send Tank to parliament to pass on the message! LOL
I told him I lost my job, but he’s ok with it, he hates the Turkish anyway. He said we’ll work something out, get some more shit of Tank if we needed to. I don’t like it, but if no ones getting hurt and we’re both outa work? We gotta get the mula in.
I’m going to get my shit together tho, I can’t believe how much I lost it, even got blood and tears in my diary. Gross! Gonna get cleaned up, go job hunting.
C’mon life, I’m ready for you!
September 29th
It so cold and rainy outside. Really bloody miserable. I’m supposed to go to the job centre but I can’t be arsed. I’ve been giving out applications, even had a job interview for poundland. High...shit, what’s the word? Aspirations. Yeah puke green is so my colour, and yes ma’am id love to work with a Cilla Black lookalike, a speed freak Cilla Black that’s been on the game for 40 years. Whooo-ooop.
As you can tell the job hunting’s not been going so well.
I do have something amusing for you tho. An episode of Barry the Cult Goon.
I was having a shower after the poundland interview, wrapped myself up in a towel when I was done as usual and opened the door to go back to my room. Outside was Barry the Cult Goon, in his grubby robe, loosely tied. Very loosely, he has huge nipples and his chest hair is greasy. Well, I hope it was grease, ew. His blubbery cheeks got rounder as he smiled at me, the whole time staring at my towel as if he could see through it, maybe he could.
The more he stared the more it felt as if my towel was getting smaller and smaller! I knew if I stood there any longer I’d probably end up naked, so I gave him wide eyes and slipped past his beer belly.
“You smell really good. Wana come sit in my room for a bit? I got some porn for your boyfriend, you can have a smoke while I dig it up if you want.”
I declined, so he panted up to me, standing too close, he reached down and undid his robe, the other hand leaning against the wall by my head. Then he showed me his head. At least I think it was a penis. This stubby, flaccid little pink thing, ringed in yellow gunk, nearly lost in a massive bush of pubes.
“You sure? Its good shit.”
I shook my head, and he pouted, looking like a fucked up version of Bambi. I slipped into my room and threw myself on the bed laughing so hard I cried.
October 17th
Really bored, weathers been alright so we’ve been in the park a lot, there’s a bunch of stoner Goth/Emo/Punk kids that hang out there, we sell them a bit off weed to keep us afloat. Things aren’t that great between us at mo, its just...I don’t fucking know. Shit. Sometimes I feel like my heart is full of the dark. I’m struggling lately.
October 31st
Its Halloween night, he knows how special it is to me, he loves me so much he brought tickets to go to a proper firework display! Can you believe it? We’re all going, the whole fucking house! We’ve all made costumes, I think you can imagine what everyone’s going as! It’s so fucking funny! I helped everyone put together their costumes, its going to be immense. I’m going as a witch, and Clarissa’s going as Little Red Riding Hood (her choice, I don’t get it).Tanks got a car off some shifter who owes him a favour, Kesh told us about this rave that’s going on after so we’ll all go there for shits and giggles and to make some mula, should be a big haul, its why Tank managed to get the car and is coming too. No one will fuck with us if we’re with him, he even gave me my own baggy to push from. I don’t think Clarissa’s going to be doing any of that but she’s up for a laugh, even let me borrow a dress. She can be cool sometimes.
My bf’s still fucked off with Barry the Cult Goon, but Kesh told him if he goes near me again he’ll rip his heart out. He meant it too, in some ways he’s scarier than Tank, he doesn’t shout or pick fights, just looks at you with dead eyes, like you’re just nothing, food. And he likes me. A bit too much perhaps, every now and then he’ll stand too close, or touch me. I don’t know it always seems to last just a bit too long. He’s seen him do it, but doesn’t seem to mind, and he hates other guys even looking at me, so I’m probably just being silly. Right?
Urgh, Clarissa just walked in (no knock, no nothing) said everyone’s ready to go. Then you know what she did, stopped a moment, obviously listening to the guys downstairs shouting over the music and getting a round of shots ready by the sounds of it, then she closes the door and sits on my bed, our bed, and says
“You know you’re not strong enough for this, right? You don’t have to hang around them, you’re a good kid, remember there’s always a choice. There doesn’t always have to be pain”
Then the condescending bitch smiles, pats my arm and walks out! Can you believe her? So much for being cool. But I’m not gonna let this ruin my night, I’m gonna have fun and she can just fuck herself!
November 8th
He’s out, had a run to do. It’s about 12, I think. I’m still naked and sweaty in bed. It’s been one of those days. We started in the afternoon; after we’d had breakfast, started to cuddle, then to kiss. Soon that fire was burning in us, I wanted him so bad. We tried every position imaginable. I love the feel of him fucking me, his hard body covering mine, my fingers pulling him closer, his lips bruising mine. The taste of him, the smell of him, the sight of him hard, pushing inside of me. I’ve only ever been with him, he’s all I could ever want, how could I not love it?
He made me cum, its like my body stops existing, I can feel myself expanding, from his fingertips an explosion of stars, flying free from this world, carrying me away. When I come back my body aches with the feeling, my face numb, all I can do is lay there beneath him, letting him take everything that is me, a moaning mess of raw feeling.
Exquisite.
November 11th
We’ve got some old school weed in, really tasty, and a bottle of Jameson’s from Netto. We’re supposed to be listening to some tunes and chilling out together, our version of a date night. Hang on...
Just had to turn the music up, they’re screaming now. Listening to The Black Keys, now gonna roll another J...Attack and Release...
This music is so good, you think it’s your favourite track, then the next one comes on so you think maybe it’s this one, then the next comes on... I’m really starting to like this blues stuff, goes with the whisky!
They’re still screaming, some guy tried to screw Tank over, so my bf’s gone downstairs to give him a bit of back up, the guys gotta pay up, he wanted the shit, sold it, now wants to pussy out of the deal. He’s obviously got a death wish. Hello, double cross a demon? I don’t think so...
Shit, things have got nasty, I can hear them, Tanks beating the living daylights outa that guy. I hope my bf’s alright. I wonder...Stop, girl, don’t think about it. I’m gonna roll another, two actually, he’ll defo want one when he comes back up.
November 15th
Peaches-Fuck the Pain away. I wrote the theme tune, I sing the theme tune, I live the theme tune.
Peace and Fucking!
Hey Daddy, want me to Suga Coat that for ya?
Kesh and I are going to start a Supernatural Street Countdown club, he reckons we’ll have to do Gangsta Sesame Street, A Prelude To Supernatural Street Countdown.
A is for Asswipe. B is for balls. C is for cunt. D is for Dick. E is for....er, er, er
November 21st
I’m so tired, had a busy weekend, we’ve made enough to cover rent though, any more will be for our daily needs. Like food. I’m really hungry, got the munchies something chronic, can’t be bothered tho...the house is so quiet, everyone’s out except Clarissa, and apart from her spike heels on the stairs, its nearly silent. A rarity.
MUCH LATER
I fell asleep after that last entry. Since then it’s all gone tits up. Really fucking mental, I’m still buzzing from the adrenaline.
A big BANG woke me. You know when you’re all fuzzy and you don’t realize? I just lay there for a bit, blinking. Then I heard BANG, SCRAPE, CRASH. My heart started hammering so I sat up. Was Tank down there? The darkness was thick in me, around me. Then I heard the voices. A man and a woman. No one I recognized. I walked to my door as quiet as I could, pressing my ear against it, like you do in the movies. SLAM. Gave me a fucking heart attack, that one had sounded really close, in the hallway. Clarissa’s door? I must have made a noise. Coz suddenly there were these big stomping footsteps up to my door. Silence. Or could I hear breathing on the other side? I held my own breath.
After a while they walked away again, the voices again, then that woman’s banshee laugh ripping through the silence, shattering it, the strangers pounded down the stairs, cackling, SLAMMING front door, they fled, shrieking into the night.
It took me ages to open the door, id tried to find something to use as a weapon and could only find a stiletto. As in shoe. A suppose I could use it against a vamp, if I was strong enough. Shit, shit, shit.
I stood there with the door open, listening as hard as I could, nothing except a faint dripping. I thought about just going back into my room, locking the door, and waitin' for the others to come back, they’d take care of it.
But I could see that Clarissa’s door was a bit open. So I called out to her. No reply. Quiet. Drip, drip, drip. I tiptoed down the hall, barely breathing, the dark choking me. Through the gap in the door I could only see a patch of white wall. I pushed the door open then jumped back, almost into the bathroom. But nothing happened so I manned up. I wish I hadn’t manned up.
The smell hit me, fucking foul like shit and steak. All over the walls was blood, words written in the blood, each letter bleeding long trails onto the floor. “Bitch” “Hore” “Rot in hell!” “death” . All Carissa’s stuff was gone except a few clothes and papers, which had been put into the bed, rumpled up with the covers, covered in blood, shit and piss. It looked like someone had tried to set fire to it but failed, a plastic lighter with doe eyed kittens in clown hats on it, was discarded on the floor.
I ran downstairs, gagging. It was fucking disgusting. Whoever did that fucked the kitchen up too, smashed the shared plates and cutlery, put the food in the sink full of..water. Really dirty water. More blood all over the cabinets, piss on the table. And, this bit freaked me out even more, pictures. From the rave, mostly of Clarissa but some with the rest of us too. There were burn holes where our eyes and hearts should be. My face stared back at me, black holes for eyes, scorches down my cheeks, heart burnt away.
I’m back, locked in my room, waitin’ for the others. I don’t know what else to do, they’ll kill me if I call the police and they find out what we are. Fuck, fuck, fuck I hope you’re not dead Clarissa.
December 20th
Dear mystery Reader
Sorry I haven’t been writing much lately, things went down the shitter after Clarissa went missing. She’s still gone, no one knows nothings. Just gone. Tank made us clean up, getting dried blood off isn’t that easy, it left stains behind, so we had to tell the Master Vamp who owns the house. He sent some zombies around to repaint. Secretive and safe, he was really pissed off. Barry the Cult Goon asked to do Clarissa’s bed. Asked, the sick fuck, I think he actually kept her sheet. Kesh...Kesh lost it a bit when he came in, his face went all rigid, he looked like he was either gonna kill someone or be sick, he smashed the window in the front door then left. All the blood I suppose, stirring up his instincts. Tank actually stood in front on me and my bf, in case he lost it completely. But he didn’t.
For a few weeks after that we laid low, seemed the sensible option, only just got back to work last weekend, I don’t know how the fuck we’re gonna make rent this month.
After all this doom and gloom, we decided we had to do something. So we’re having a house party tonight! You know a Christmassy one. Tank loved the ‘irony’. Everyone’s coming, it’s gona be mental, Barry the Cult Goon got hold of a load of mistletoe and tinsel and has been sticking it up everywhere, he needs it if he wants to get some action. Have to admit I’m pretty curious to see some of the other members of his Cult.
My outfit is supa sexy, tight little black skirt, and I found the see-thru lacy halter top in the charity shop. Kesh is going to lend me his spiky leather choker and cuffs, he said it will really set it off.
Oh yeah, my bf just saw me dressed up, he was totally hot for me. Ended up bending me over the bed and fucking me right there. Talk about starting the party off with a bang!
December 21st
Well last night ended in tears. Not mine tho! Overall it was a really good night, everyone got shit faced, we made a bit of money, and have got a ton of booze left. We tried MDMA, that’s like the pure form of pills, fuck me, its like God reached down, ripped the dark outa me and hit the on switch of the light. A big as a bonfire, brilliant. We pumped the music up so load you could feel it thrumming thru you soul man. There were a lot odd dodgy types there, a lot of demons, familiars, succubus, Cult members and vamps. Mostly guys, and a few norms thrown in to spice things up, they tend to collect norms with some phycic ability, so none of them were proper factory cut norms, you get me?
I felt like I floated round the party in my own big fluffy cloud, that would rub, rub, rub against my skin, making me all tingly. A weird side affect was I think I was wet all night! O_o Haha. It didn’t even piss me off when I saw my bf flirting with some trampy vamp girl.
Barry the Cult Goon was out in full force, he confused the hell outa me for a while he was like, playing butler! Getting everyone drinks, his other Cult members cutting lines, they knew I lived with him, so they cut me extra. A bonus for listening to all that squelching! Later on it became obvious, none of them are exactly lookers, but the more fucked the girls got the more they didn’t mind the Cult Goons having a feel.
Barry the goon had two girls at one point, one passed out in his lap, another doing coke off the kitchen table while he fingered her, her nose started bleeding so him and another Cult guy took them to Barry’s room.
That’s when things started getting a bit leery, mind you I was off with the fairies at this point, they’d got me in a corner and where putting glitter face paint all over me, while Kesh watched and laughed.
Some random witch started having a go at Tank saying his friends were evil, he was evil. She was really strung out, sunken junky face. Tank pushed her off him.
“Fuck off if you don’t like it bitch. You know what you’re here for. Nothing else but to be used, your a user, you know how it works. So get your saggy tits outa my space before I cut ‘em off”
Now she had some guy with her, stick bloke with ginger dreads, who just leapt on Tank, biting his face and trying to grab his balls. Tank fucking lost it, he screamed his demon roar and...shit, it was brutal. I’ve never seen anyone like that, he seriously laid into him, didn’t even stop when the guy was unconscious, and just kept kicking his bloody head in. My bf and a couple of other demons tried to get him to stop, so he just started hitting anyone who got too close. Then this older voodoo woman throws water over his head, muttering a spell under her breath. He grabs her by the hair, and she just looks at him, calm like. That was it, the junky bitch scraped her boyfriend up and some others helped her getting him out.
I was pretty mushy by this point, id just sorta melted into the wall, Kesh was stroking my leg telling me it was gona be fine. My bf bought a spliff over and we three shared it, clinging to the light.
December 25th
Merry Christmas Mysterious Reader xxx
December 26th
Yesterday was lovely. We had our own little Christmas, just us two. He’d manage to get a telly from some where! So we set that up, nicking some of Barry the Goons tinsel to wrap around the edge. He got me a couple of books. Fantasy Romance, you know kick ass heroine falls in love with a werewolf. Funny! I love that shit. I got him a new cap, its rip off Burberry but he loves it. We even made xmas dinner, a whole chicken! Frozen roast potatoes and veg and Yorkshire puds, with lashings of Bisto, mmmmmmmmmmmm! We even had a couple of bottles of wine and some brandy! Frikin' posh, huh? It was like a proper Christmas, we ate loads, got stoned, got drunk, cuddled in bed, and watched xmasy movies. Perfecto.
December 31st
Here’s an early Happy New Year oh mysterious one! : D
Just a quick one. We’re stupidly poor, might not be able to make rent, but we wont let that stop us! Hell no! Seeing the New Year in, in style, cruising the clubs, armed to the teeth with powders and pills, we should make a killing, and have a night to remember as a hazy dream.
January 7th
We didn’t make rent. Still haven’t. Everyone’s broke after new years, no ones buying. It all snowy out side, and dull, and freezing. These icy winds cut through you as soon as you step outside. I hate it, we can’t afford heating and I’m always cold. Got loads of my clothes on and just sit in bed with the duvet over me. He’s stuck in too with no runs to make, at first it was nice, watching telly together. But it’s getting harder, it’s all we fucking do. Watch telly, have sex (boring sex) and argue because we’re bored. Life is pretty wank.
January 12th
The Master Vampire came around today, he’s fucking furious with us all. Wants his rent, like yesterday, he somehow knew about the party and is pissed off about the breakages, specially the dent in the wall from ginger dread’s head. I don’t know what we’re gonna do.
January 14th
Kesh has been struggling with his blood lust, he hurt a girl last night, really bad. Tank found her in the hall, blood soaking her thighs, her face mashed up. I helped clean her up, and he convinced her not to go to the police.
My bf’s been in his room with him all day. Fuck I hate this. They have a plan, I’ll....I’ll help Kesh, and Kesh will help us. I don’t know if I can do it. He explained it too me.
Kesh is in love with me. He wants me, bad. When he’s with other girls it gets so outa hand coz he can’t just feed, he wants it to be me he’s fucking. For him sex and blood are all wrapped up together, it’s the only time he feels alive. He knows he wont hurt me coz he loves me, he knows he can’t be with me...but he wants a taste. To help him through it.
He thinks I should do it, thinks I should sleep with Kesh. Oh fuck. This is what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna sit here in the kitchen and drink this bottle of vodka, maybe it’ll make it all go away.
Fuck. Fuck . fuck. Fuck fuck FUCK.
If I do...it’ll help everyone, Kesh, those girls, us. He’s a friend. Can I do this? Us..what about us? Can we really survive this? Can we really survive me not doing it?
I’m feeling drunk, half a bottle down...the darkness is rising.
January 16th
He’s just paid the rent and gone to the pub. Good. I can’t look at him.
Kesh found me in the kitchen. I’d drunk most of the battle by that point, just sitting there with the window open, not feeling the icy breeze. Tying to be numb. He shut the window, zipped me into his hoody and rolled a spliff. We smoked it in silence, he offered me a little hex. I took it. He dint take one, just rolled another. We smoked that as I started to come apart, reality unravelling, he stroked my hair.
“You’re so beautiful, perfect, fragile, I’ve wanted you for so long, those other whores are dirt compared to you, I hate seeing you waste your blood. I tied to stop wanting you, but I can’t. Knowing you're just upstairs drives me crazy. Let me have you.”
I let him lead me to his room, stumbling into the walls along the way. Inside his room, warmth and dark. I lay on the bed as he undressed me, his hands touching my bruises, my scars. Kesh, no. Not kesh. My boyfriend, I lied to myself. When my trousers came off he grunted, seeing the fresh wounds there. His hands roughly stroking them, he became eager. I didn’t even notice him take his own clothes off, my head was spinning. He climbed on top of me, his hard cock shoving into me, his mouth at my neck. Not Kesh, not Kesh, not Kesh. I embraced the dark, let it wash over me, distance me, the real me, from my body.
January 20th
I’m fed up of showers, I miss having a long hot bath to soak all my troubles away. My inner fire is dying, like a candle guttering in a winter wind.
January 25th
I couldn’t find the energy to argue with him about it.
Someone new moved into Clarrissa’s old room. He’s...I don’t know; quiet. I don’t like him, his eyes smoulder when they look at me. He knows Tank and Kesh. I think he knows...He wants my ass, always stares at me like he’s hungry. He’s not a vamp, I don’t know what he is, he burns bright like my bf, so maybe a shifter. He’s a thief, they’re becoming friends, and going on a job together.
Just an off license he says. He doesn’t shine as bright anymore, he’s infected too now. Sometimes I think he’ll just not come home one day. I don’t want him to do it, but we’ve gotta make the FUCKING rent a-fucking-gain. Never ending cycle of struggling to make ends meet. And this is better than....
Why does it have to be so hard?
January 30th
The job went well. Can you call it that? They hurt the old Sikh man who owns the shop, I see his bruised face looking so bewildered and hurt when I got to buy baccy. He probably even knows it was them, but daren’t say anything. They wore banaclavers. They split it 60/40. 60 to Sly of course. My bf’s gone to pay the rent early, sorta sorry for last month.
I don’t think it’s a good idea going now. The moons full. He hurt me when he got back from the job. He was all jittery, buzzin’ coz it all went so well, his blood singing to the moon. He wanted to fuck to celebrate, but I couldn’t. We haven’t for ages...I said no and went upstairs. He followed me.
“What the fuck is your problem? You’re nothing but a stupid, ugly, ungrateful bitch. Do you know what I’ve done for you? All the shit I’ve put up with? You slept with my best fucking mate! Yet you won’t fuck me will you? C’mon you’re a natural, right dirty little bitch in the bedroom, I don’t ask for much from you!”
He’d pushed her onto the bed..tried to kiss me. I slapped him. Fuck I slapped him right around the face. Possibly the worst thing I could’ve done. He was so close I could smell is sour breath, watch his eyes, his pupils dilating, turning black as the darkness consumed him.
He broke my nose. I must have been screaming, I don’t know, I just remember his fists everywhere, when I tried to cover my face he knelt on my arms. Suddenly Barry the Cult Goon was there, pulling him off of me, shouting for Tank. I couldn’t see, blood had stuck my hair to my face like glue. A dark veil.
Barry the Goon’s hands fumbled around my neck, hovered over my mouth. I wanted to say yes I’m breathing, cock breath, but nothing came out. Darkness was eating my vision, taking me a little at a time. His hands wondered over my body, checking the damage. He sighed, a sigh that let me know I wasn’t too badly hurt. Then he started to play with my tits. I passed out.
February 5th
I wonder what dyings like. Do you ever think about that? Do you think you flare out, like a sun going nova? Overwhelmed with light. Or do you think the darkness gets you at last, your inner fire smothered, everything you are fading into the vast abyss?
I guess that’s how you become the living dead, when your fire goes out but you haven’t died. Is that what I’m becoming?
Or perhaps it’s all meaningless. Perhaps you just stop.
February 13th
Friday the 13th. I wonder if he did that on purpose. The Master Vamp came around today, two big black motherfuckers at his back. Like Marcellus Wallace does dweedle dum and dweedle dee. Gave everyone in the house eviction notices. We’ve got to the end of the month. Too much money owed, too much damage, fuck, too much hassle. He’s gonna sell the house.
I stayed in our room, I always do now, beyond that door is a world full of shit and now I’m going to have to go out in it. I don’t want too.
Of course they have a plan. My bf, Sly and Tank. Gonna do a job, a big one. Get enough money to make a fresh start somewhere. A bank. A fucking bank. Not exactly oceans 11 are they. This is it, this time. I know it.
Game over.
February 28th
The heist was yesterday.
They left separately, to meet up somewhere else. Bought some matching black tracksuits and white theatre masks. Did some speed before they left. Tank got guns. Real fucking guns. Sly seemed to be the only one who knows how to use one.
I waited. And sweated. And waited. My healing wounds itching real bad. The fresh still oozing blood, so slowly.
I waited. Frozen. They should’ve been back. But they weren’t.
I waited.
My door burst open, and for a moment the dull ember that was my inner fire almost glowed. HE stuck his stood in the doorway. Kesh. It was dark now and he looked gaunt, frantic. Started shouting at me, grabbing me, trying to drag me outa the room.
I started throwing everything at him. Clothes, the lamp, my precious books. The bedside table. I saw my bf’s knife and grabbed it, thrusting it toward his face. He left.
So I sat back down, helpless tears falling down my face. No.No.nonononononononono nooooooooo.
Fuck. It couldn’t end this way.
It h..has.
They robbed the bank. The police showed up as they were leaving. Tank is dead. Sly took the money and ran...and....they caught him. Him. Mine. My bf. He’s been arrested. He shot some girl, and she’s dead too. He’ll go down for life. Prison.
Gone.
LATER
Kesh went. His stuff is gone. So did Barry the Goon. He said goodbye. Gave me a porn DVD ‘the tides that bind us’.
I just sat for so long. Numb. Cried out long ago. I feel worn out, stretched and thin. I imagine I’m full of little holes.
After awhile I wandered through the house, thirsty. I started getting up all the booze and putting it on the kitchen table, then the drugs, the smoking paraphernalia. I broke into Tank's room, and Sly's.
Tank had a load of cash, so I added that to the pile. And a fuck load of heroin. When did he start dealing that? Some 50 E’s, about 10 gram of coke, couple of grams of speed. Some vallys. An ounze of weed. He also had this really old looking teddy bear with mismatched eyes. I found myself carrying it around.
Sly’s room was stark. Some clothes, really basic jeans and t-shirts, undies. A couple of books, some dance and pop CD’s, a little loose change. Like he’d never meant to stay. He wouldn’t come back for any of it now anyway.
I’m sitting here staring at this pile of drugs and booze. I’m gonna keep the weed, I’ve just decided. Gonna smoke it right now and get drunk.
February 29th
I flushed all the drugs, left the money on the table, took the weed and the booze, and the bear to bed with me. Then I drank and smoked myself into oblivion. There’s only the dark now.
March 5th
Things have changed. I want to do this carefully, get it right.
Somehow I slept, probably passed out really. For a long time. I woke up when he found me. All the doors where unlocked, the house empty. Except for me in my bed.
The Master Vamp.
His cool hand rested on my head, as if checking a child’s temperature. When I opened my eyes and looked into his I started to cry. I don’t mean a few pretty tears. But sobbing, coughing, retching sort of crying, when everything else stops apart from that pain that you feel, where as much snot as tears run down your face. And he held me, took me in his arms and just let it all come out. I though at first he would feed, end me, take it all, I didn’t care. But he didn’t. He just held me and when I calmed he took me back to his home.
His home is this modern flat, done up proper nice, classy wood floors, moody warm shades of paint. Art on the walls. I felt like a hobo standing there, bruised and bloody, my breath still catching from the sobbing, stinking of booze and stale smoke. At my feet a black bin bag with my meagre belongings.
He ran me a bath, to the brim and steaming hot. No candles or scented oil. Just good clean, hot water. It was early morning, a rarity for me. The cold sunlight was that white sunlight you get at the end of winter, glaring off the tiles. I eased myself into the water, scalded, closing my eyes against the glare, against the world. I wept. He took the razors out of the bathroom.
March 6th
After an hour he walked in, softly. He was holding a big fluffy towel. I didn’t think you could really get those, thought they were just for telly. He might’ve knocked first, I don’t know.
I hadn’t moved, just sat there, arms around my knees, eyes closed.
“How old are you really?” He asked me.
For some reason I decided to tell the truth.
“16”
“And your name?”
I could hear him settling onto the closed toilet.
“Bea”
“Tell me, Bea”
I looked up at him. I felt so vulnerable naked in the bath, when he had all his clothes on. I felt raw. And I told him. Everything.
March 17th
He listened, didn’t interrupt, didn’t gasp, look horrified, or laugh. By the end i’d stopped crying, stopped shouting, stopped splashing. His shirt was wet and he’d hung his tie on the towel rack. By then I was speaking..In a monotone. Dead sounding. I dint like hearing myself like that. He washed me then, pouring water over my head, shampooing, conditioning, combing out my hair. I didn’t realise how long it had become. When I was clean he sat back on the closed toilet and spoke.
“I’m not a Master Vampire, Bea”
I didn’t look at him then.
“I’m just a landlord.”
My hands gripped the side of the bath.
“He isn’t a werewolf. He abused you. There’s no excuse for what he did to you. Kesh is not a vampire, he used you. Tank wasn’t a demon, just a very bad man who has died for what he has done.”
I couldn’t breath, the darkness burning my throat.
“Clarissa is alive, she couldn’t stand living there anymore, she paid her rent, gave me her notice and went back home.”
I looked at him then.
“The blood was pig’s blood. A nasty prank.”
He knelt beside the bath.
“Bea the scars. You cut yourself don’t you? When I found you I saw the razor blades. You made all these scars. These wounds.”
I tied to hide, but there was nowhere to go, I felt like I was shattering into a million pieces.
“You were right about one thing Bea. Magic does exist. And it can heal. Will you let me heal you, Bea?”
I went to him, what else could I do?
