Would you believe I was (and still am) reading this episode listening to the Star Wars soundtrack? A great idea, confluent in that there was a fight...with swords!
Don't you think the fight could have been that bit longer, to cement Cpt Madders capability? I know he's an old battle horse now but still, i think from all the talk you'd think he would have been a tougher fight.
Plus, you fight them so well. i was a kid again pretending to watch two fighters in an Arthurian time do battle. I could 'see' the movements.
Another reason why I'm happy I chose Star-Wars as an accompaniment, was Llew. I can't remember the precise details but I am just waiting for him to go all corrupt and wrong. Like Darth Vader!
The nature of your piece is that we dart from character to character and it has been so long since we watched Llew (lusting after women? Can't quite remember) expose that he has a weakness for pride/vanity.
Maybe a sort of 'Previously' page might be useful? Your plot I imagine will become pretty complex and charging, so I would think about this for later as each month I feel we the readers have to do maybe too much 'remembrance'.
Now as far as pacing is concerned, wait for it...
MARVELOUS! The descriptions were interwoven with plot and made me feel like I was learning about the characters by looking at them. Much like the people of that time seem to, and rely on, the look of someone is such an important part of life back then (well lets get mixed up with time, but yeah, you're drawing on Arthurian shit...so we'll stick with back then).
I'd feel like a cad if i pulled you up on the few errors in grammah, because it's readers like you that have taught me, so so much in that department, that breaking the rules in SPIDERFINGERS is done so much more assuredly. I think if you can work on your weakness just a little bit more, it will help the reader identify who is talking just that little bit easier.
What weakness?
I'd say it's dialogue. Maybe it is there in thought but i'd venture that the way Llew talks is vastly different from Cpt Madders because of his age, BUT the way he sounds is too close to his freinds speech. I don't care if they are all children, the reader/me cares about finding your work interesting. And it is. This word length felt completely justified and not in anyway indulgent.
I think that I've said quite enough now ;) Rock on!
Are you asking me to tell you what I didn't like with the disclaimer that you won't tak on the advice and cut it? Very dominating this eve eh? Well, i like if not loved it all and found that yes, I'm sure this is a big load of forshadowing for future events.
More fight scenes? Cool!
Weak arguments for characters sounding the same?
So NOT COOL!
I don't think readers see he said, she said tags. In fact every writers book I've got says that the more you use them in different ways, a way for each character, then you're approaching your own style.
Try it next time you write b4 dissing the suggestion?
Implication is easier with characters that inherantly sound differently to each other. Rather than with a gaggle of school kids copying each other.
Surely a writers nightmare? Characters all sounding the same? Well i never!
To the naughty corner.
Trespass this way again without a little more humility and I'll fetch my switch Miss Fox.
P.S Different fighting styles to be used and explained as we go? Great!
Everyone in Spiderfingers just fights super-dirty! Remember Kill Bill 2? That fight in the trialer tween Daral Hannah and Uma Thurman? That's the fighting style of 99 percent of the universe.
Rooenn would have to be different now, wouldn't he?
Hey missus. Nom nom nom wordy words. A lot going on I see! But this is you after all. I have to say first of all that you make me laugh miss. Sometimes I see some dark humour creeping through, or a glimpse of your silly side in amongst all these other weighty words makes for a far richer read!
The characters are brilliant! They're so well developed I can tell you've been thinking on them a lot/for a long while. I love, LOVE your descriptions. They're not just full of images but how can I put this, they feel animated like I can actually see it happening. And you're descriptions include so much colour and texture it makes everything seem so much more real and memorable, as if you could reach out and touch the characters.
I like how you have these clearly talented souls grey and clay to answer to it will only make your writing better. xxxxxxx
Hey Ashley, for me this chapter didn't have as much gravitas as the last but all good stories have their highs and lows of emotion and I can certainly tell this is going to be a good one!
You give us a lot of information about the structure of the country, personally I'd like a bit slower drip feed - although I missed the 1st chapter.
I'd also like a more in-depth intro to each of Llew's friends in the start. Perhaps if they get into a bit of mischief before heading to the training ground or even we could see some class room action? I definitely get a sense of the four boys Holver, Faverelle Gos & Llew - where there more? (“the others [following] behind” makes me think a whole throng of boys) I understand the necessity of more to show a large class however I think if you're going to have them there in the first place they should be utilised in another way too.
I understand what you said in a previous comment about the length of the fight but I took would like it to be longer, I'd warm to Cade a bit more if he were less perfect in the beginning and got more so as time went on. Maybe it would be interesting if he and Madders started off fighting in similar style (since he trained Cade - I think?!) and then roguishly Cade whipped out his new battle tested moves?
Would you believe I was (and still am) reading this episode listening to the Star Wars soundtrack? A great idea, confluent in that there was a fight...with swords!
ReplyDeleteDon't you think the fight could have been that bit longer, to cement Cpt Madders capability? I know he's an old battle horse now but still, i think from all the talk you'd think he would have been a tougher fight.
Plus, you fight them so well. i was a kid again pretending to watch two fighters in an Arthurian time do battle. I could 'see' the movements.
Another reason why I'm happy I chose Star-Wars as an accompaniment, was Llew. I can't remember the precise details but I am just waiting for him to go all corrupt and wrong. Like Darth Vader!
The nature of your piece is that we dart from character to character and it has been so long since we watched Llew (lusting after women? Can't quite remember) expose that he has a weakness for pride/vanity.
Maybe a sort of 'Previously' page might be useful? Your plot I imagine will become pretty complex and charging, so I would think about this for later as each month I feel we the readers have to do maybe too much 'remembrance'.
Now as far as pacing is concerned, wait for it...
MARVELOUS! The descriptions were interwoven with plot and made me feel like I was learning about the characters by looking at them. Much like the people of that time seem to, and rely on, the look of someone is such an important part of life back then (well lets get mixed up with time, but yeah, you're drawing on Arthurian shit...so we'll stick with back then).
I'd feel like a cad if i pulled you up on the few errors in grammah, because it's readers like you that have taught me, so so much in that department, that breaking the rules in SPIDERFINGERS is done so much more assuredly.
I think if you can work on your weakness just a little bit more, it will help the reader identify who is talking just that little bit easier.
What weakness?
I'd say it's dialogue. Maybe it is there in thought but i'd venture that the way Llew talks is vastly different from Cpt Madders because of his age, BUT the way he sounds is too close to his freinds speech. I don't care if they are all children, the reader/me cares about finding your work interesting. And it is.
This word length felt completely justified and not in anyway indulgent.
I think that I've said quite enough now ;)
Rock on!
Are you asking me to tell you what I didn't like with the disclaimer that you won't tak on the advice and cut it? Very dominating this eve eh? Well, i like if not loved it all and found that yes, I'm sure this is a big load of forshadowing for future events.
ReplyDeleteMore fight scenes? Cool!
Weak arguments for characters sounding the same?
So NOT COOL!
I don't think readers see he said, she said tags. In fact every writers book I've got says that the more you use them in different ways, a way for each character, then you're approaching your own style.
Try it next time you write b4 dissing the suggestion?
Implication is easier with characters that inherantly sound differently to each other.
Rather than with a gaggle of school kids copying each other.
Surely a writers nightmare? Characters all sounding the same?
Well i never!
To the naughty corner.
Trespass this way again without a little more humility and I'll fetch my switch Miss Fox.
P.S Different fighting styles to be used and explained as we go? Great!
Everyone in Spiderfingers just fights super-dirty! Remember Kill Bill 2? That fight in the trialer tween Daral Hannah and Uma Thurman? That's the fighting style of 99 percent of the universe.
Rooenn would have to be different now, wouldn't he?
Hey missus. Nom nom nom wordy words. A lot going on I see! But this is you after all. I have to say first of all that you make me laugh miss. Sometimes I see some dark humour creeping through, or a glimpse of your silly side in amongst all these other weighty words makes for a far richer read!
ReplyDeleteThe characters are brilliant! They're so well developed I can tell you've been thinking on them a lot/for a long while. I love, LOVE your descriptions. They're not just full of images but how can I put this, they feel animated like I can actually see it happening. And you're descriptions include so much colour and texture it makes everything seem so much more real and memorable, as if you could reach out and touch the characters.
I like how you have these clearly talented souls grey and clay to answer to it will only make your writing better. xxxxxxx
Ooh yeh and I forgot to say I love the map! xx
ReplyDeleteHey Ashley, for me this chapter didn't have as much gravitas as the last but all good stories have their highs and lows of emotion and I can certainly tell this is going to be a good one!
ReplyDeleteYou give us a lot of information about the structure of the country, personally I'd like a bit slower drip feed - although I missed the 1st chapter.
I'd also like a more in-depth intro to each of Llew's friends in the start. Perhaps if they get into a bit of mischief before heading to the training ground or even we could see some class room action? I definitely get a sense of the four boys Holver, Faverelle Gos & Llew - where there more? (“the others [following] behind” makes me think a whole throng of boys) I understand the necessity of more to show a large class however I think if you're going to have them there in the first place they should be utilised in another way too.
I understand what you said in a previous comment about the length of the fight but I took would like it to be longer, I'd warm to Cade a bit more if he were less perfect in the beginning and got more so as time went on. Maybe it would be interesting if he and Madders started off fighting in similar style (since he trained Cade - I think?!) and then roguishly Cade whipped out his new battle tested moves?
Will move onto Chapter 3 pt 2 soon :)
Updated to revised copy.
ReplyDelete